The point I’m trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant, and all around obnoxious asshole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous, unaware of the beautiful, and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So if I didn’t understand I was being asked to be the best man, it is because I never really expected to ever be anybody’s best friend … certainly not the best friend of the bravest and kindest and wisest human being I have ever had the good fortune of knowing. John, I am a ridiculous man, redeemed only by the warmth and constancy of your friendship, but as I’m apparently your best friend I cannot congratulate you on your choice of companion. Actually, now, I can. Mary, when I say you deserve this man it is the highest compliment of which I am capable. John, you have endured war, and injury, and tragic loss — so sorry again about that last one — so know this: Today, you sit here between the woman you have made your wife and the man you have saved. In short, the two people who love you most in all this world. And, I know I speak for Mary as well when I say we will never let you down and we have a lifetime ahead to prove that